Judge Mental

The other day a friend posted something, well, controversial on Facebook.  And one of their friends decided to try to defend the indefensible.  It did not end well.

A local judge had dressed up at a Halloween party.  In blackface.  As a maid, alongside his wife who portrayed Scarlett O'Hara.  I'm sure it seemed like a good idea at the time.  Somehow pictures leaked out, and people got upset.  He apologized, the local NAACP said the event seemed "not in his character," and he might be disciplined by the court.

So, nothing to see here, let's move on, right?  I mean, dressing up in blackface isn't "in his character," isn't "representative" of who he is, right?  Except that it is.  How many of us have put on blackface? A show of hands?  Anyone?  Yeah, I didn't think so.  Maybe it isn't normal for him, or common, but it is clearly in his character to do- because he did it.  And as a judge, this lack of good judgment is particularly surprising and important.  He presides over other peoples' lives, making decisions that affect them forever.  And he is a public figure, so is held to a higher standard of behavior and judgment.  I did see that some people, including most of the commenters on the local paper's article about the event, said the judge was an upstanding individual.  Of course, many commenters also said "it was just a costume" which reveals a breathtaking historical ignorance...

A quick recap: the judge apologized after being caught (sincerely? Maybe.)  Was tepidly endorsed by a political group.  Might get in trouble with the court.  Is that enough?  Obviously it is for the Friend Of A Friend (I won't use his real name, which is Rationalizing Asshole,) who thought the blackface was "frickin hilarious" (I'm guessing said FOAF was at the party, or saw video.)  I hope the court censures the judge.  I hope he loses votes (waaah; this bothered the FOAF.)  The judge has apparently endured a couple of weeks, I guess three now, of public shaming.  It'll pass.

People were upset about how this affects his family. I understand the impulse to defend friends and family; I'm doing that a bit now, since FOAF called Miss Mox retarded for daring to be upset about, oh, the judge wearing blackface, FOAF thinking it was frickin hilarious, and his easy use of the n-word.  Not that she needs defending- she has a rapier wit.  She also has a good sense of humor, but doesn't tolerate bullshit.  And there was a lot of bullshit going on here.  FOAF and others on the thread were more upset about the poor judge's feelings being hurt than the awful stunt he pulled.  Anyway, I see no reason to defend him in any way.  His family- I feel really bad for any kids or others who didn't know he was going to do it, or tried and failed to talk him out of it.  They do not deserve to suffer.  Of course, any suffering they go through is HIS FAULT.  Not the media's, not the people pointing out the awful thing he did, not the court's if they do in fact censure him.  The judge's fault.  Blaming anyone else is like killing the messenger.

There are others in his family, though, and apparently among his friends, who did know what he planned, who chuckled along with him when he showed up, who thought the whole thing was great.  His lovely wife, obviously, who joined in the fun.  They deserve some of the shame.  I do not feel bad for them at all.

In situations like this, as in much of life, I try to have an open mind.  I do exercises like reversing roles, and I try to come up with appropriate analogies.  The best I can come up with here is drunk driving.  Say I get drunk, and decide to drive home.  I know better, or at least I should know better; that also applies to the judge here.  If I get arrested, I might lose my license, maybe even my job; and my family will suffer, in various ways.  And it will be my fault.  I have had friends in this situation.  In fact, I know several people who have lost their licenses, and done a few days in jail; I know one person who ended up getting in a wreck and killing someone.  She went to jail for quite a while, and lost her job.  All these people, to some extent, whined about what they had to go through and what their families had to deal with.  I felt bad for their families; again, though, anything they suffered was the fault of the drunk driver.  And I lost respect for the people I know.  Before, they seemed to be decent people.  And everyone makes mistakes.  But we are talking about a whole different level of "mistake."  And after their arrests, I could never look at them the same way.  Something may not be "representative" of a person, may not be the whole of their personality, but clearly is a part of it.  And sadly, sometimes a very negative part of it. Sometimes we need to reevaluate relationships with people when they do awful things.  Of course, the FOAF doesn't even think the judge did anything awful, so there's that.  And it's interesting that in this case, and in those of the drunk drivers I know, the individuals are still much more concerned about themselves than about the people they affected; as are their friends.  The poor, poor perpetrators, they deserve so much more sympathy than those they've harmed, apparently.

The FOAF seems most put out by how the judge's family will be affected; obviously, I blame the judge for anything they suffer.  He also defended the wearing of blackface, since it was so clearly funny due to its "shock value."  Yeah, some shocking things are funny.  Some are not.  Violent death?  Not funny.  Abusing kids or animals?  Not funny.  Racism?  Not funny.  FOAF also figured since it was an "exclusive event," whatever happened there was okay.  Again, any of those awful things happening in private do not get a pass.  Still awful.

FOAF went on and on about all this, punctuating his rationalizations with a casual use of the n-word and the stuff about blackface being "frickin' hilarious," etc.  Often people who go on and on, orally and in writing, reveal a lot about themselves unintentionally.  I know, it's amateur psychoanalysis, but I've seen it before.  I wonder if they read it later and realize how they sounded.  Doubtful.  And I know I have said a lot here, and before; so someone is probably psychoanalyzing my overwrought prose right now.  Please give me the diagnosis; I think I know myself pretty well, but am always eager to learn more.

And maybe that's at the heart of what pissed me off here, as with so many other things: the willful ignorance of so many people, the lack of interest in changing that ignorance, and the proud defense of said ignorance.  Politically and personally, it is far too common.  If the judge, and the FOAF, had learned a little (in life, since clearly they missed a few things they should have picked up; and about blackface in particular) this would never have happened.  And if FOAF were not willfully ignorant about, well, America in 2013, maybe he would think twice about saying some of the stuff he did.

Happiness Happening

I have plenty of ideas for this blog, and not much time to get things down on "paper."  And things are getting busier.  I'm hoping that after December the winter will be a bit more quiet, and that I can write out some of the drafts and notes I have.

You might have noticed that I'm getting married soon.  Like, a month from today- holy crap!  There's a lot to do, of course.  Miss Mox and I have been researching, planning, and doing.  To be fair, she's been working on that more than I have; I help where I can.  Plus there have been house projects, and I've been trying to keep my cars running.  I am getting nervous- not about the wedding or being married, just that it's coming up so fast and there's so much to do.

We're having a small party with a few friends and family; then a very small courthouse ceremony.  We're sad some can't make it, and that others had to be left off our short list.  It was hard to pare things down.  This is not going to be some big fancy affair, or anything solemn.  There will be very few traditions followed.  Well, there may be a kiss at some point...  We'll make our own traditions.  We'll dress nicely, but no frilly white dress or tux.  And she likes my beard, and even my stubble, so I don't have to shave.  Really, who could ask for more?  I can be lazy and she actually likes it?  She likes my weird cars and my ornery cat?  Wow.  She lets me be me.  I let her be her.  She helps me be the best me I can.  I love her for who she is.

Not everyone finds someone who is their match.  Not everyone needs to, and they certainly don't need to marry them.  We were both happy on our own, and very independent.  Being together just makes our lives even better.  We can enjoy every experience together; even the crappy ones are more tolerable when she's around.

I got incredibly lucky when I found my sweetie.  She is smart, funny, alive, real, hot, goofy.  She loves animals, and history, and books, and me... We are alike in some ways, different in others, and mesh well overall.  We talk about everything.  Being with her is simultaneously peaceful and exhilarating.  We have both lived life, had our ups and downs, weathered storms and come out stronger. She says I'm battle-tested.  And we've been through some storms together- the loss of my brother, moves and job changes, car wrecks, other usual and unusual events.  We're a good team; sometimes one of us is stronger, sometimes the other, but we're in this together.  And there have been plenty of good times, both big and little things.

This was all a surprise.  Finding each other, falling in love.  I certainly didn't expect it.  And getting married- again, for me- was definitely not in the plans, and not something I'm taking lightly. I've thought long and hard about it.  I am very comfortable with this.  It feels right.  I am older and a little wiser, and know what I want better.  Although, really, she is so much more than I ever imagined wanting, ever knew to wish for.  I have enjoyed every bit of our life together so far, and am looking forward to so much more.  Expected and unexpected, life is an incredible journey, and I am lucky enough to share it with an incredible woman.

I can't drive 55

I read this the other day (TL;DR: people aren't driving much faster since speed limits went up.)  And somehow, I was not surprised.  I've always driven a little over highway speed limits; most are simply set too low.  A section of my commute went up to 70 recently, from 65.  When it was 65 I drove about 72mph.  Now that it's 70, guess how fast I go?  About 73.

Apparently some people thought if you raised the limit, everyone would just go faster.  Some do, I'm sure.  But then, there are people who will go 90 in a 55 in heavy rain, so there will always be idiots.  Most people drive at a speed which feels safe to them.  70-75 is comfortable for me, and feels right for my car.  That's in ideal conditions, of course; I slow down for all sorts of things, on a sort of sliding scale of precipitation/visibility/traffic.

I think it's a good thing to set limits appropriate for the area.  I hate when people go 45 through a residential area.  But on open highway, in good conditions, I could live with no speed limit (and I've driven in that situation, in Montana long ago; though I did push it for a minute just for fun, I settled down to cruise around 80.)  Driving through Indiana, for example, where speed limits vary from 55-70, things drag at 55 or 60.  There's not much there.  I'm sure there are nice people, and places to see, but I just want to get through it as quickly as possible.

Three cheers for reasonable regulations!

Journeys

It's been a year since my brother died.  I think about him every day.  I miss him every day.  I wish I could tell him stuff, ask him questions.  I wish he could be here for so many experiences.  I think of him when I see his son, when I see trees; really, at all sorts of times.  Sometimes I expect it, sometimes it's out of the blue.

I do what I can to honor his memory.  Miss Mox gave me a garden tile that reminds me of him, and we put it in our garden.  I do what I can to preserve and respect the natural world, as he did.  We've planted some this year, and will more next year.  The school he taught at is planting a tree in his memory.  I help his son some; unfortunately I can't do much but send little gifts and visit when I can.  Someday I'll talk to him about his father, who has left a big hole in both of our lives.

Recently I took a trip to see friends and family, and commemorate the anniversary of his passing.  Saw my nephew, of course, who looks like my brother did when he was young; and my sister and her husband.  They're expecting soon so I'll have another nephew or niece, and they can play together.  Saw other people close to him- the line between friends and family blurs so often.  I scattered some of his ashes in a grove of trees near the school.  As I approached the school, a Pearl Jam song came on the radio: "come back, I miss you."  I'll take some of his ashes to our old house, and a park we went to as kids, before long.

He was into native American spirituality and culture, and had lots of native friends/family.  At his memorial service, some of them sang and drummed for him.  Then on this trip, we had a sweatlodge ceremony for him.  I had gone with him a couple of times, and I knew this was something he would want us to do.  If you're not familiar with a sweat, it is sort of like a sauna but longer.  Lasting 3-4 hours, with brief breaks, it is, well, hot.  Lava rocks are heated in a bonfire, then brought into a low hut and doused with water.  It is tough to get through, and you sweat a lot.  A LOT.  I am not particularly into native spirituality, but I respect their, and his, beliefs.  I wanted to do it again, for him.

At the start, after everyone enters the hut, the rocks are brought in.  Then the medicine man talks some, and sings, and then all sing and drum, calling the ancestors for guidance, and in my brother's case sending him on his way after the year of mourning.  Not that he's ever gone, of course, no matter how you look at it; he's just not as closely attached to this world.  In this case, the medicine man and his wife, who is called a wise woman (and they both truly are wise) were very close to my brother, and in fact called him their "other son" during the ceremony.

Some people have visions during a sweat; I didn't, though I did imagine I heard my brother singing briefly, and drumming.  It is pitch black in there, except for a few minutes of very soft light after the glowing rocks are brought in, so it is easy for your mind to wander in the dark, hot hut, with the drumming and singing going on.  I felt at some points that I knew the words; was it simply familiar-sounding syllables?  Ancient sense memory?  I'm not much into mysticism, but as a history buff I was very aware that I was taking part in something that had been going on in exactly the same way for hundreds, thousands, of years.  The same things said and done, 1000 years ago on the western plains.  10000 years ago on the steppes.

It was a good way to send him home.  For him this culture, and the wonders of nature, were his religion.  He was a good man, and though he will be sorely missed, I know he is here in a way.

No glory

The other day Miss Mox and I were at the bookstore, a favorite hangout.  Among other things, I ended up getting a copy of Bill Mauldin's Back Home.  Maybe it was subconscious, but it was an appropriate purchase for Veteran's Day.

I was introduced to Mauldin's work by my father, and I have several of his books.  Not many people know of him now, but he was famous for awhile.  He drew cartoons about the average soldier during WW2.  He was not a fan of officers, or of war, and got in some trouble for that.  He used sometimes-biting humor to show the real people involved in an awful situation.  He ended up winning a Pulitzer, and went on to a long career as an editorial cartoonist.  He drew this after Kennedy was assassinated.

Dad was in the Army back when there was a draft.  As bad as the draft was, it was a kind of equalizer, drawing in men from all walks of life.  Sure, some could get out of it, but it was much more fair than the way the volunteer military recruits.  (I'm not being nostalgic; I don't want to go back to the draft, and I remember reluctantly registering for it.)  Dad used to kid that he was a guard at Ft. Knox; he was stationed there, and pulled guard duty, but not in any glamorous setting.  He was infantry attached to the Armor School, so essentially his job was to pretend to get killed by tanks.  He was lucky, in that he got out just as Vietnam was starting.  I remember him soberly telling me about watching the rest of his unit board planes for Vietnam, and later visiting the memorial wall finding names.

I'm a little late, because life is, as usual, busy, but I just wanted to post this for Veteran's Day, to honor the vets.  They don't have much choice about where they go.  War, and even peace, isn't glorious for the average soldier.  It's something they have to slog through , survive, to get back to their regular life and dreams.

Mauldin shows that in practically every panel.  There is humor, often wry and dark.  And there is boredom, and sadness.  This was probably Dad's favorite- it's funny, but not when you think about it much.

A Cheap Trick

Miss Mox and I were in the car for awhile today, and Cheap Trick came on- I Want You To Want Me.  I realized we were both singing along, which was pretty cool.  It came out around the time she was born, and was huge.  They're great musicians and were always a little goofy and fun.  I've always liked them and had been thinking about doing a post featuring them anyway, so...


I Want You To Want Me
Big hit, fun song.

Don't Be Cruel
One of those covers that honors the original while being very, well, original

Dream Police

Surrender

Bumper sticker bullshit

Well, more like "internet meme idiocy."  I have seen some things lately that made me snort derisively, and question the intelligence of those who post them.  Those sorts of things are what passes for wit and discourse among some on the right.  It's kind of sad.

For starters, there's "Impeach Obama!"  Really?  For what?  Be specific.  And define impeach- I bet you don't know what it means.

I also see "Nobody would be a better president."  And then, haha, saying "really, it would be better to have nobody running the country."  Um, being stupid is not in the best interests of the country.  Try and learn a little, think a little, before you say things that are untrue on their face.  I guess this is an attempt at humor.  As usual, conservatives don't have much of a sense of humor.